Thursday, October 23, 2008

How NOT to write a cover letter

In reviewing resumes and cover letters for the open position at work, I came across this gem:

Dear ____,

I have just returned from the dentist (rather, Endodontist) and, before the novocaine wears off, I'll send you my cover letter, resume and references. I look forward to speaking with you and -- hopefully -- meeting with you.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A woman's week at the gym

This is dedicated to everyone who ever, like me, has attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identif ied herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated or any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the f loor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had intended for me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The votes are in...

I couldn't bear the though of my sister joining another sorority any more. I decided it was time for a serious discussion with Kelly about my chosen sorority. She told me how she felt that they only liked her and were inviting her back to recruitment parties because she was my sister and I made sure she understood that was not the case at all. I told her about how I had told them that she was so wonderful and that's why they seemed excited to meet her and that everyone who met her told me how much they liked her and that I wasn't allowed to have any part in voting so there's no way that I could have a good or bad influence over her votes so that meant that she was being asked back based on people's true opinions of her as an individual. I told her that it was her choice and nobody could make the decision for her, but that I know that my sorority's girls are genuine and sweet and wonderful and that she wouldn't regret it if she chose my sorority. I told her that of course I wanted her to be a member of my sorority so we could have that in common and share some special things, but that also the girls who are there love her as she is and it would be her own unique experience and I wouldn't be in her way. I told her that I knew it would be a hard decision but that she needed to go to her final two choices with an open mind and choose the place that she felt most comfortable at and that no matter what she chose I would be happy for her.

Last night was pref night and it is a very emotional night and we have a ceremony where girls say why they joined and what their chapter means to them and they have singers, etc. and people usually cry. Well, I was out there in the background during the ceremony and about halfway through I looked over at Kelly and saw her crying which made me start crying. She saw me and started crying more and it went on and on from there. She told the current member she preffed with that she loved this chapter but had a hard decision to make. Two hours later Kelly called me, crying, and said that she was the last person in the voting room and that she had thought long and hard and it was a VERY hard decision but she decided to put my sorority down as her first choice!!!!!!!!!!! Then I started crying again. Now all that needed to happen was for my sorority to offer her an official bid.

So today is bid day and I waited patiently (or not so patiently) for her to be picked up from campus by her new sorority sisters and delivered to the chapter house. If she didn't get a bid from my chapter then she wouldn't be there but just in case she did accept their bid I was ready with flowers and a few things with our greek letters on them to begin her new collection. So there I was waiting, watching, praying, and then...

Hooray! Kelly is now an official New Member of my sorority! I'm so happy for her and am so excited! Congratulations, Kelly!